The Conspiracy of Speedy Cerviche
by stuffbylouie
Summary: The Big Cheese causes the biggest scandal yet when he devises a plan to make Speedy out to be an alien. Speedy is forced into hiding…and women’s clothing!
1. Bit at the Begining

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-THE CONSPIRACY OF SPEEDY CERVICHE-

By Louielacious Moe

(Formally known as Kat)

__

The Big Cheese causes the biggest scandal yet when he devises a plan to make Speedy out to be an alien. Speedy is forced into hiding…and woman's clothing!

It's so funny when you edit old stuff you've written…you can't believe the mistakes you've made! This story had heaps but I'm pretty sure I fixed everything (I hope anyway…). I'm much happier with it now. And thanks to all my reviewers! You're the reason I'm still putting stories up.

- Disclaimer: Don't sue me…I don't own the Cat's, okay? I also don't own Barbie, Clearasil, David Bowie, The X Files, ET, Chris Carter, Thigh Master, Cameron Diaz, The Fantastic 4, WHAM, Star Wars, Kate Moss, Jackie Chan, Entertainment Tonight, The Price is Right, Versache, Calvin Klein, Widget, Herbal Essences, Volvo or Bride Magazine. Oh yeah! And I really don't know if Saban cross dresses or not. Don't know what I'm talking about? You soon will…


	2. Part One

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N: Little Tokyo woke up with a CRASH! and a BANG! this morning when the Big Cheese released his latest robot: a giant walking-talking cannibal Barbie DOLL!... What were the writers smoking when they thought up this I wonder?

Big Cheese: (dancing on top of the robot) AHAHAHAHAHA! Jerry I can't believe I didn't think of this brilliant plan earlier, can you?! 

Jerry: (under his breath) Maybe that is because it was MY idea you blubbering sponge cake...

Speedy: (attacking ninja crows below) We'll just see if you're still laughing Big Cheese after I split that bimbo robot of yours IN TWO!

Guido: (also attacking crows) My back hurts! I need a massage...

Polly: (throwing hearts) Don't look at me!

Jerry: (scared) Uh-oh... I think the midget just threatened us with his magical sword sequence...!

BC: What magical sword sequence?

Speedy: (shouting up to the Big Cheese and Jerry) Prepare to feel the wrath of the Ginzu sword…yet AGAIN! 

(Speedy cat-slashes the robot into a bucket of bolts)

BC: (badly burnt) OOOOH! You mean THAT magical sword sequence...

Jerry: (in pain) Don't be so hard on yourself Cheesy. (sarcastic) It's not like he does it every episode or anything...

BC: (upset) Look at me! I'm covered in dirt and grub…(turning red) And my kimono was just CLEANED!

Jerry: (panicking) CHEESY! It's okay! We'll clean it when we get home! I got a free sample of fabric softener in the mail today!…JUST DON'T...!

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! (Big Cheese explodes in a cloud of smoke)

BC: You were saying?

Jerry: (cough) Never mind.

N: After yet another defeat by our heroes, the villains return home to the Palace to think about what scheme they will pull for next weeks show...

Jerry: (looking in the newspaper under the "Ideas for Half-Witted Criminals" section) We could hire that French assassin everyone is talking about…? 

BC: (waving a fan to keep cool) No, assassins are too expensive these days. We need something in the budget area...

Jerry: Hey, how about this add! "Create your own Conspiracies." It's cheap…

BC: (excited) Did I hear the word CHEAP!? (starts reading the article) Oh, and look! It says if we're one of the first fifty callers we get a free T-shirt!

N: With a great deal like that, Big Cheese got on the phone straight away to order his brochure, which he received the very next morning...

BC: (jumping up and down with joy) JERRYJERRYJERRY! Guess what just came in the mail?!

Jerry: Not that new thigh master…

BC: No! Even BETTER! (shows him the brochure) It's that conspiracy thing we ordered! And look, here's my T-shirt! Isn't it a knock out?!

N: (sarcastic) Well I'm certainly 'knocked out'. 

Jerry: (reading the message on the shirt) "I am a proud customer of the Half-Witted Criminal Column." That doesn't really compliment our reputation Cheesy…

BC: (smiling) I know! But don't you think it matches my eyes?

Jerry: (disgusted, changes the subject) Anyway...I think we should get started on how we are going to use this to destroy the Cat's.

BC: For once I agree with you. Maybe we should use a conspiracy against that short one...you know the one with the sword?

Jerry: Speedy Cerviche?

BC: Yeah! He's very annoying…a real pimple on our operation...what do you think we should do about that?

Jerry: Get some Clearasil?

BC: No that's never worked for me…

N: As the hours pass, Guido and Speedy decided to go on a break (little to Polly's knowledge) and hit on Luciel! That is until...

Guido: (looking at a sign pasted on a near by building) Hey Speedy! Check this out! You're on a poster!

Speedy: Sure Guido! You'll say absolutely anything to stall me from getting to Luciel before you do…

Guido: No I'm serious! (off the subject…) And I don't need to _stall _you anyway! I always get there first...

Speedy: Oh really?! And why do you think they call me "Speedy?!" HUH?!

Guido: (rolling his eyes) Damned if I know… Just come and look at this poster! It's a real ugly picture of you…just like the real thing! (chuckle)

Speedy: Hey! I happen to be extremely photogenic! Did you know I could have been a Calvin Klein underwear model?

Guido: Ah…did you dream that up last night or the night before?

Speedy: It's TRUE! And....(but before Speedy could finish what he had to say...) Hey, Guido look at this! It's a poster! OF ME!

Guido: (shaking his head) You're a sad, sad cat Speedy…

Speedy: (reading writing below his photo) "Lock up your homes, protect your children, move to a new area code! Because there is an alien among us...and an invasion will surely follow!" (suddenly frightened) Oh no GUIDO! Did you hear that?! AN ALIEN! 

Guido: Speedy I think you missed something...

Speedy: (reading the fine print) And the aliens name is 'Speedy Cerviche'...?

Guido: I'll give you some time to think about it pal…

Speedy: No time to think NOW! We have to call Al and get this guy out of the city before he starts an invasion!!

Guido: (really ticked off now) SPEEDY! Wake UP! You are Speedy Cerviche!! You are the ALIEN!!

Speedy: (confused) Come again?

N: While Guido explains the plot to Speedy, Polly calmly realises their absence…

Polly: (completely outraged) IF THOSE TWO ARE HITTING ON LUCIEL, I'M GONNA...!!

Fran: Of course they're hitting on Luciel. They're guys, what do you expect? Its not like they think with their minds or anything…

Polly: What's with you lately Francine? You've been bad-mouthing the male species like there was no tomorrow!

Fran: Isn't it obvious? The biggest wedding of the year is destroying my life!

Polly: (suddenly understands) OOOOOH! You mean the wedding of Buckey and Princess Vi…

Fran: (sarcastic) Nooooo I mean the wedding of Speedy and Guido...

Polly: ?

Fran: OF COURSE I MEAN THE WEDDING OF BUCKEY AND PRINCESS VI!! It's a headline on every newspaper in the city! Not to mention that the Princess graced the cover of "Bride" magazine last week…

Polly: (trying to make Fran feel better) You know I thought Vi looked a little, ah...fat! In that issue of "Bride" magazine!

(Al appears over the intercom)

Polly, Fran: What's up Big AL?

Al: (really cross) THIS IS WHAT'S UP!! (holds up a poster of Speedy)

Polly: Talk about touchy Al!

N: Yeah, like _she_ should talk…!

Fran: Hey! (looks at Polly) What's Speedy doing on a poster?!

Polly: (amazed) Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are!

Al: It's a warning poster that's claims Speedy is an alien. And I smell a rat…

Polly: Are you kidding Al!? Nobody's gonna buy that!

Fran: Yeah! I know Speedy's a little strange but that's ridiculous! No ones going to believe that 

Speedy is an alien!

(On cue, Guido and Speedy run in the parlor covered in bruises)

Fran: What happened to you two?

Speedy: (huffing) Oh didn't you hear?! I'm an ALIEN! It's the latest rage!

Guido: (puffing) Everyone's trying to drive him out of town! 

Al: We know about the allegations towards you Speedy, and I'm afraid the town's people are too small-minded to think twice about how stupid it is! I just hope for your sake Princess Vi has not heard about this yet...

Guido: I know! She's about as small-minded as they come!

Speedy: So what do I do?! YOU GOTTA HELP ME AL!

Al: Get some evidence. It shouldn't be too hard. Just get the facts and state your case directly to the people. 

(And with that, Al disappears)

Polly: Okay everyone...no need to panic! 

(Suddenly, a group of protesters try to brake in outside. They're holding up signs, threatening Speedy…)

Speedy: Actually Polly…I feel a strong need to PANIC!!

Guido, Fran: YOU SAID IT!!

N: Meanwhile, Bad Bird is doing what he can to sustain a commotion in the public...

BB: (standing on a public stage with a loud-speaker) I have photos and recordings of secret alien meetings, personal FBI files of the covered up past, descriptions of the space craft he arrived in, his fake birth certificate, his relation with Area 51, and to top it all off, he wears "Marvin the Martin" underwear! So AS YOU CAN SEE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Speedy Cerviche is...and always has been AN ALIEN!!

(Big Cheese and Jerry Attric are watching Bad Bird address the crowd close by…)

BC: (happy) Bad Bird puts on quite a show don't you think!? 

Jerry: (agreeing) He majored in public speaking back in High School…

BC: Fabulous! And do we really have all that stuff he said we do…?

Jerry: That's the beauty of it my Lord! We have all the fake, yet 'authentic' material we need to keep the town scared!

BC: AHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm so happy I just gotta give you a big HUG!! (grabs Jerry)

Jerry: (sweating) Cheesy!! I'M DEHYDRATING!!

N: Let's skip this tender moment and go back to the Pizza Cat's...

Speedy: (frowning) I look like the Big Cheese!

Fran: No, you look more like a girl then Big Cheese! (giggles)

N: In order to remain unseen, the gang has decided to disguise Speedy in drag so no one will recognise him. This way they can walk safely around town...

Speedy: (in high heels and a blonde wig) Where are we going?

Polly: We told you Speedy, we're going to your house to find evidence that can clear your name!

Fran: Yeah, this whole alien thing isn't good for business.

Speedy: (grumpy) Why couldn't you disguise me as something more tasteful?!

Guido: Because this is so much more fun for us to watch!

Polly: Look on the bright side Speedy! Now you can go in this year's Mardigrah!

Speedy: WHAT!? 

N: A little time passes when Speedy, Fran, Guido and Polly finally arrive at Speedy's house to gather necessary information to clear his name…but if you ask me, I think Speedy should remain 

as an alien for the rest of the series! I'm enjoying his new look!

Guido: We're all enjoying his new look!

Speedy: (very sarcastic) YES! Of course we all ARE! That is...everyone except ME!!

Polly: (annoyed, as usual) Come on Speedy! Let us inside already…

N: The Cats are now standing outside the front door of Speedy's house.

Guido: (impressed) Wow…we got here pretty fast huh?

N: It's the magic of animation!

Speedy: Let me just find the key.... (opens his wallet and eventually pulls out at least 30 key's). Now let's see...not this one (tests one key at a time in the keyhole) Nope! Not that one!...maybe this one...nope not that one!...ah-ha! This time! No, no that's not it...

Polly: (tapping her foot impatiently) SPEEDY! How many front doors are there to your house?!

Speedy: Just give me 10 minutes all right…?

Polly: Does it always take you ten minutes to get in your house!?

Speedy: (getting a little fed up now…) Why can't you be patient just for _one_ second in your life Polly?!

Polly: JUST GET US IN THE HOUSE! What is so HARD about THAT?!

Speedy: IF YOU STOP SCREAMING MAYBE I CAN THINK STRAIGHT!

Polly: (screaming even louder) WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THINK"?! YOU JUST PUT THE KEY IN THE HOLE AND TURN!!

Guido: (hollering above both their voices) ALIGHT! THAT'S IT! I can't wait any longer! At this rate we'll still be here when they start rolling the credits! (kicks down the door)

Speedy: (traumatized) MY DOOR!! My precious DOOR!! GUIDOOO!!

Guido: Oh quit acting like such a girl Speedy!

Speedy: (straightens his dress) I am _not_ a girl…!

N: Meanwhile, back in the center of town...

Luciel: (walking around jubilantly) Look at the sun! Look at the birds! Look at the DIRT!

N: Obviously Luciel is in one of her cheerful, mushy moods! That is until she sees Speedy's poster on a nearby fence...

Luciel: Oh NO! My boyfriends an ALIEN!!

(She then looks up at the sky…)

Luciel: Oh NO! That cloud looks like ASTRO BOY!!

N: Now that that stupid and pointless scene is over, lets go now to the official Little Tokyo Council Chambers where unfortunately, Princess Vi has found out about Speedy…

Vi: Now LISTEN TO ME! We can't have an alien running around Little Tokyo before MY WEDDING! The publicity will get scared off and I still want that gig on Entertainment TONIGHT!

Council member #1: (whispering to the person beside him) I thought something like that would bring in the publicity! Nothing else happens in this boring town...

Vi: We need a plan people! Does anybody want to share any ideas?

Council member #2: (putting his hand up anxiously) Oh! ME! MEEEE!

Vi: (pointing) Yes you! Council member #2?

Council member #2: Call the X-files your Hinas...?

Vi: Hmmmmm...what do you think daddy?

Fred: FAR-AD!

Vi: Very insightful!

(Suddenly, Big Al passes by the Council Chambers and is shocked to see what is going on…)

Al: (very worried) Oh no! The Princess knows about Speedy?! But HOW?!

BC: "YOU-HOOO"! Princess!

Al: I should have known...

Vi: (cranky) What is it SEYMOUR!? It better be good... I'm acting HERE!

N: And can you believe they pay her for IT!?

BC: (dressed in a woman's kimono, complete with a geisha style wig) What would you say if I could get rid of this alien faster then you can say "I'm sending you to Prisoner Island?!"

Vi: Yeah, like I ever say that...

Council member #1: (frantic) Princess Vi! There's a ladybug on your knee!

Vi: (staring at the bug) What disrespect! SEND THAT BUG TO PRISONER ISLAND!!

BC: Anyhow Princess, I just happen to have some blue prints behind my back of a giant, very high tech laser gun thingy that I colorfully refer to as the "Alien Decapitator"…it will chop a one way trip to Prisoner Island in HALF!

Vi: (impressed) Wow! That's a nifty idea Seymour!

Al: (shaking his head in despair) DAMMIT! She thinks it's 'nifty!' It's all OVER!

Vi: But how do we get a clear shot of this alien?

BC: My ninja crows will capture it and bring it back here to the Palace!

Vi: And you thought of this plan all by yourself Seymour?

BC: Well, of course I did! Who else would…?!

(Sitting at the back of the room minding their own business...)

BB: (annoyed) I was up till midnight drawing those blue prints! I even missed the Brady Bunch Variety hour…

Jerry: Cheesy doesn't even know how to work the electric toothbrush let alone work out what a blue print even is!

Al: (still worried, mumbles to himself) What are the Pizza Cat's doing? If only they knew how much trouble Speedy was in…!

N: *AHEM* Well since that's the end of Part one, I guess I'll see you all in Part Two! Unless I win the lottery or marry a supermodel between now and next episode... IT COULD HAPPEN!

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-TO BE CONTINUED!-

~*~


	3. Part Two

~*~

N: Welcome back to the second half of 'The Conspiracy of Speedy Cerviche'...but I'll tell you what the REAL conspiracy is, and that's why the hell am I still working HERE?!

Guido: Because you can't pay rent on a doormat's salary?

N:… Actually, he has a point. How irritating… I suppose this my cue to continue the story from where we left off! Polly, Speedy, Fran and Guido have finally entered Speedy's house…and yes Speedy is still dressed like a woman (hehe!) They are all in Speedy's room searching for information that might clear him of being an alien...compelling so far, huh? (yawns)

Speedy: (looking through sheets of paper) ...Find anything guys?

Polly: …I found dust!

Fran: ....I found Fantastic 4 comics!

Guido: (giggling) And I found your WHAM CD!

Speedy: (blushing) My, MY! How did that get there…hehe! My cleaning lady must have forgot it…

Fran: But Speedy, you don't have a…

Speedy: (cuts her off) Shut UP!

Guido: Hey, I got you that CD for your 21st Speedy! I even got the band to autograph it for you on the back…see? 

Speedy: (very embarrassed now) I said SHUT UP! (takes the CD off Guido and shoves it in a desk draw out of sight)

Polly: Hey Speedy! I found this photo of you and your 'non-alien' parents while vacationing in Istanbul. Do you think this be considered evidence?

Speedy: (reminiscing…) Aaaah yes! Istanbul! What a trip that was! ...Except when I got sent to that military camp for touching the sacred cow...

Guido: Oh so you met Princess Vi in Istanbul?

(Guido and Speedy laugh hysterically)

Fran: (on another notion…) Guys, I was thinking that if we went back to the Palace it might be more useful.

Polly: (confused) Why would it more useful to go there?

Fran: Well…maybe we can to talk to Princess Vi or get our hands on some secret information! That will clear Speedy's name for sure! I mean it's obvious that the Big Cheese is involved in all this so whatever he's doing we'll find it at the Palace.

Guido: (shaking his head) Nah! That's a stupid idea. The practical thing to do is stay right here. 

Plus Speedy's bathroom is only next door and with the Palace bathroom you gotta walk up all those stairs and…

Polly: (angry) GUIDO! Can you stop thinking about bathroom convenience for one moment in your life?!

Guido: But Polly! Did you know that one in five people do not wash their hands after using bathroom facilities!? Hygiene is so very…

Polly: (slaps him on the head) GUIDO!! Do you want to be home by dinner TIME!?

Guido: (in pain)...I guess…I mean, yes! Yes I do!

Polly: Then get your tail down to the PALACE! NOOOW!!

Speedy: (speaking up timidly…) Ummm...could I get changed?

Polly: (still mad) NOOOOOOO!!

Speedy: Ah HELL! (kicks the wall in frustration)

N: Speaking of the Palace, Big Cheese is doing his part to capture the "alien"...

BC: (sitting on a Palace veranda reading the latest issue of Catnopoliton magazine in the sun!) My my… There is some very helpful hair removal tips in here!

(Jerry Attric comes out onto the veranda too…)

BC: JERRY! Listen, do you think my facial structure would look good with Cameron Diaz's eyebrows?

Jerry: Cheesy, when you told the Princess you were going to spend the rest of the day searching for the alien in town…were you high on one of those new energy drinks?

BC: Jerry don't be stilly! I'm perfectly stable…

N: (sarcastic) Yes, and Michael Jackson has gone natural!

BC: Besides you should know by now that I never do the dirty work myself. I'll just get a bunch of Ninja Crows to go find Speedy, I have more important things to take care of…

Jerry: Such as...?

BC: Well this eyebrow thing is really bugging me.

Jerry: (not amused) I'll go notify Bad Bird with the _new_ orders...

BC: That will work out great because you're blocking my SUN!

N: As the Big Cheese continues to be model villain for children everywhere Guido, Francine, Speedy and Polly are on their merry way to the Palace...

Speedy: (struggling to walk in his high-heels) Why do we have to do this on foot?! The producers could have had the decency to rent a car for this scene...

Fran: As if they'd do that!

Speedy: (muttering to himself) They're nothing but a bunch of cheap, sons-a…!

N: But before Speedy could put himself in a position to be fired, a protester that resembles the singer David Bowie, and who _happens_ to be a supporter for the newly built society of the D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S (Defenders of Alien Beings, Zombies and Insurance Salesmen) has spotted our HEROES!

Protester #1: (pointing at Speedy accusingly) HEY! That's the alien DUDE! THAT'S HIM! And he's used outer-galactic powers to transform himself into a real ugly chick!

(On cue, 100 more angry protesters appear over the horizon carrying signs and clubs)

Guido: What is this? A 'Sci-fi Geeks Unite' parade?!

Protester #2: (waving his club fiercely) It is true, the alien is here! The one they call Speedy! 

Kill it before it eats all the CHILDREN!

Speedy: (makes the "sign of the cross") May the Lord give me strength....

Guido: Yeah, strength to RUN!

Polly: Quick Speedy get out of here!

Protesters: (charging forward) KILL IT!! KILL IT!!

Speedy: (bolting in the opposite direction) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! I'M NOT AN ALIEN I SWEAR!! I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE E.T!!

N: But Speedy was wasting his breath, as he commonly does. The crowd was so swept up in their cause, they refused to hear him out. Now Speedy is out of sight and Polly, Guido and Francine are left to figure out what do on their own...and in that case we could be in a lot of trouble here!

Polly: Poor Speedy… We better follow them! He might need our help! He can't even run properly in those shoes… 

Fran: (throwing her arms up into the air) Can you _believe_ how insane this all is?! It just proves how gullible and stupid some people are in this town…

Polly: Come on Fran, don't you think your overrating a little bit?

Guido: (concentrating on the floor) Check this out you guys! That pigeon poo looks like it's in the shape of NEVADA! Quick! Give us a camera…!

(Fran gives Polly a look that suggests "see what I mean _now_?")

Polly: (unimpressed) FINE! Everyone's an idiot! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!

N: Well I already knew that of course but in the mean time, back to our bad guys who are discussing the progress of their evil plan...

Jerry: Now…are you absolutely sure Badbird?

BB: Of course I'm sure! The leader of D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S called me just then on his mobile phone and told me that Speedy was heading back towards the Pizza Parlor! I told him to follow Speedy, capture him and bring him back to the Palace so we can 'decapitate' him.

Jerry: And this is a reliable source?

BB: Who the leader or the phone company?

Jerry: THE LEADER!

BB: Well yeah, of course...!

Jerry: But isn't he the one the Narrator said looks like David Bowie?

BB: Yeah...

Jerry: So that means he wears make-up right?! 

BB: Hey! Don't forget we happen to work for a cross-dresser…

Jerry: BADBIRD! (looking around the room fearfully) Don't say things like that about Saban! He could be watching! We'll get our feathers PLUCKED!!

BB: Jerry you PINHEAD! I meant _Seymour_, not Saban...!

Jerry: OH! Right! I knew that...(chuckles nervously)

BB: Speaking of Big Cheese, we better go find him and ask when he wants to get this alien decapitator thing ready. Princess Vi wants Speedy out of the way before her wedding.

N: On this thought, Badbird and Jerry Attric head towards the Big Cheese's room, which looks like something out of the set of "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert"…as you can imagine.

Jerry: (poking his head through Big Cheese's door)...Ah, Cheesy? You decent?

BC: WHAT!? (annoyed at being disturbed) Oh, its you two. Why is it whenever I'm doing something incredibly vital like tanning or applying French nail paint, I get interrupted?!

Jerry: Wait a minute...(suddenly realises something important) You only put French nail paint on to go out!

BB: You better not be planning to go out now boss! We need you for when we get the alien decapitator ready!

BC: I can't be concerned about that kind of thing now Badbird. I'm in the middle of a very severe crisis…!

Jerry: You didn't spill nail varnish remover on the table did you?

BC: WORSE! Oh it's so awful Jerry! (looking traumatized) GABIE IS DEAD!

BB: (very confused, whispers to Jerry) Who is Gabie?

Jerry: Cheesy's houseplant...

BB: (looks at the Big Cheese with a stupid face) You named your HOUSEPLANT?!

BC: (sobbing) Gabie was a very important part of my life! Even though she only lasted two weeks. Now that she has passed on I must go out into the afternoon light and steal another plant from some ninny's back yard…

BB: But you can't just LEAVE!? We're in the middle of SOMETHING IMPORTANT!

BC: Right! The whole alien thingy. Well I don't see any problem with that development I mean we've been following the conspiracy manual with great care so far. We've made a weapon, posters, a protest group... So what's the big deal?

Jerry: The big deal is the manual says the leader must be present at all stages of the plan...!

BB: (whispering to Jerry) Does it really say that?

Jerry: (whispering back) How should I know?! I haven't seen the manual since Part One!

BC: (grabs his handbag and starts heading towards the door) I've already explained how I feel! I'm going out and that's that! 

BB: YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

BC: (traumatized again) I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT GABIE!! (slams the door behind him)

BB: (very angry) Is it just me or does he does he loose an inch off his brain every WEEK!?

Jerry: I'd say all his exploding is finally have a physical effect. 

N: I agree! Blowing yourself up on a regular basis can't be good health wise… Big Cheese obviously needs to cut down on beans. Anyhow! back to Polly, Guido and Francine who are still trying to think up what to do next without Speedy...morons!

Fran: (anxious) So are we still going back to the Palace?!

Guido: We better not. I'm with Polly's idea, I think we should follow the protesters and see if we can give Speedy a hand...

Polly: (agreeing) He needs more then that! 

Fran: Well...why don't you two go help Speedy and I'll go to the Palace...!

Polly: This doesn't have something to do with getting back at Princess Vi for stealing Bucky does it Francine? (looking at her suspiciously)

Fran: (suddenly nervous) NO! Where did you get that idea!? 

Polly: Maybe it was that little 'I'M GOING TO VOMIT ON VI'S WEDDING DRESS! remark you made this morning...?

Fran: Look! If I take the information with me it might help!

Guido: What information? All we got was that stupid Istanbul photo.

Fran: Ahh...YEAH! Sure! I can use that! It's all apart of my plan...

Guido: (shocked) You have a plan?

N: Every dog has her day...

Fran: (proud) Yeah that's right I have a plan! The sidekick can have a plan if she wants...(looking devilish) Plus I think I'll get more screen time this way which means more money! (dollar signs appear in her eyes)

Guido: You know Fran, money isn't the most important thing in the world...

Fran: (highly amused) Oh yeah right, sure! Name one thing that's more important then money?! 

Guido: Geez, I don't know...world peace?

Fran: Yeah like _that's_ going to pay for my new easy-bake oven!

N: Does Francine want to go back to the Palace to help Speedy? Or is it to satisfy her dreams of being the next soap opera queen by killing off her mans bride-to-be? While all this nonsense is going on, Speedy has conducted a very skilled defensive movement: hiding out in the Pizza Parlor like a big wimp!

Speedy: (tired from running) Man, do these high-heel shoes give you a backache or what! No wonder women are always so cranky...

N: Speedy has fooled the group of protesters for now, but for how long?! Hopefully not _too _long so I can get home early for once…

Speedy: I have got to get my life back together! I have to prove to everyone that I'm a normal average all round nice feline…from earth!

N: This coming from a guy who's wearing blue eye shadow? (chuckles)

Speedy: WHO ASKED YOU?! (ripping off his wig) Besides, its not like I chose to dress like a women! Now I'm more of an alien then I was before...but I'll show them all! The only person that can help Speedy is SPEEDY! ...And my eye shadow is not blue it's aquamarine! SO THERE!

N: Since this information is _not _relevant to our story, we return to Polly and Guido. Francine has left for the Palace while these two have joined together in their search for Speedy. Ah, the joys of teamwork!

Polly: We have no idea where we're going! (getting frustrated at Guido) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Guido: ME!? We would have been just fine if we didn't stop to find your missing bobby pin for fifteen minutes!

Polly: And I suppose trying to take pictures of bird poo is some kind of TRACKING DEVICE?!

Guido: That was a rare, artistic MOMENT POLLY! 

Polly: IT WAS POO!

Guido: LOOK! (changing the subject)…Let's just stop all this fighting okay? We have to concentrate on what we're doing…

Polly: Fine…(calming down)…You're right. I'm concentrating.

Guido: By the way, do think Fran really did go back to the Palace for Speedy?

Polly: Probably not. All she's thought about since this whole royal wedding thing was mangling Princess Vi…

Guido: (suddenly distracted by something ahead of them...) Hey...what the hell is that?

Polly: (looking in his direction) Looks like a bush. (sarcastic) Fascinating…is this what you call concentrating?

Guido: I meant behind the bush!

Polly: You mean the tree?

Guido: Behind the tree...!

Polly: (really confused now) You mean the bus stop?

Guido: (getting angry again) NO! That shadow thing that's filling up half of the audiences TV screen! What's your problem?!

Polly: My problem is I'm stuck with a guy who has mash potato for brains searching the streets at night for a friend in woman's clothing and I'm only getting paid the bare minimum for IT!

Guido: You know Polly…the animators made a big mistake when they designed you with a 

MOUTH! Should of put an extra tail there or something…(pulls her by the arm) Come on, I'll show you what I'm looking at real close so you don't miss it.

Polly: (scrunching up her face) I don't want to go behind a dark scary bush with you! You might get ideas...

(Guido ignores her remark and continues to pull her towards the enormous, round looking shadow…) 

Polly: Are we there yet?

Guido: In a second…

Polly: Seconds up are we there YET?!

Guido: (annoyed) SHUT UP!

(The shadow becomes fully visible. Guido and Polly stare at what's before them in absolute shock...)

Polly: Oh my God...is that...is THAT…a?

Guido: (gulp!) Spaceship?

N: Well it's not the 8:00pm bus I'll tell you that!

Polly: (unable to turn away) Where did it come form?!

Guido: (wide-eyed) I'm guessing out of town...

Polly: Wait a minute...(turning to Guido)...this can't be real! This is all part of the set up towards Speedy! Big Cheese probably planted it here in hope that the protesters would see it! Or us for that matter…

Guido: (unsure) I don't know Polly, it looks pretty expensive. It's very high tech stuff. Big Cheese hasn't been able to afford this kind of thing since the Christmas sales!

Polly: Don't tell me you think this is a _real_ spaceship?!

Guido: No I just-! I don't know…I mean, why not? This is a cartoon…

Polly: (hands on hips) Get it together Guido! The Big Cheese probably pinched it from the new Star Wars movie set or something! That's the kind of thing everyone does when you have budget problems... 

Guido: (notices something on the side of the 'space ship') Look at that! Is that an open door?

Polly: Where..?

Guido: (pointing) Over there, I can see a light on inside...

Polly: Might be a TV. Maybe the aliens are watching the 'Price Is Right…'

Guido: You thinking what I'm thinking?

Polly: I don't think about dark open spaces.

Guido: (ignoring that comment) I say you and me go inside this thing and check it out! That is unless you don't think you're bladder can handle it…? (giving her a challenging look)

Polly: (insulted) Hey! I had the guts to be alone with you in the dark didn't I? This should be 

easy...(leads the way into the spaceship)...and I'm sure they have a bathroom of some kind...

Guido: What if aliens don't know how to pee?

Polly: There are no ALIENS!

N: As Polly and Guido descend the spaceship, Speedy has taken that ridiculous but adorable woman's outfit off and is back in fighting mode as he blasts himself off to the Palace! Don't ask me how he managed to blast himself off it was just convenient, okay!?

Son: (pointing at Speedy flying up above) How do you think Speedy took off all by himself Ma?

N: Its official…_nobody _listens to ME!

Ma: Oh that's probably a stunt double Junior. In fact I think that's Jackie Chan!

Son: Good one Ma, like we could get Jackie Chan!

(Meanwhile, close by…)

Protester #1: HOLY CRAP! (pointing towards the sky) The alien dude has morphed back into a guy and now he's...he's…HE'S TOTALLY VERTICAL! We have to stop him! He could kill BIRDS!

Protester #3: (confused at Protester #1) Huh? 'Totally vertical?'

Protester #2: He means the alien is FLYING!! (pointing to the sky too)

(Suddenly, Speedy crashes face first into a building)

Speedy: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Protester #2: But not very well…

Speedy: (peeling himself off)....I wish Jackie Chan _was_ my stunt double!

N: Look on the bright side Speedy! If it was Francine you might have landed in that cactus nursery again! 

Speedy: (sitting on top of the building now…) Don't remind me!

Protester #2: (holding up a cross over his head as he goes towards Speedy…) Stop, oh evil ONE! Or look at my cross and be damned to the hell form whence you CAME!

Speedy: (looking down at the protester with confusion) What the…? You guys better not be a 

Religious group…!

Protester #1: (nudging protester #2) Ah dude...don't you use a cross to stop vampires?

Protester #2: Okay _now_ I'm confused!

Protester #3: (holding up a fish net) Let's capture the alien in this and take him back to Badbird! 

Speedy: Yeah that's just about the last person I want to see right now! And if they think I'm going to the Palace in a fish net then they can think AGAIN! (thinking logically…for once) I have to get away from these wackos and get to the Palace on my own. Then I'll try and foil the Big Cheeses plans…it's the only way to prove I'm not a science fiction case!

N: Staying away from woman's make-up and clothing wouldn't hurt either…

Speedy: I already told I was made to do THAT! Go lecture Big Cheese about that stuff! 

(Speedy starts to climb down the other side of the building…away from the Protesters) 

Protester #3: The alien is getting away again! AFTER IT!

Protester #2: (holding the cross again) DIE evil one DIE!!!

Protester #1: (annoyed at Protester #2) I already told you dude that DOESN'T WORK ON ALIENS! 

N: As the Protesters continue the chase, Speedy keeps to his plan and heads for the Palace. Meanwhile Guido and Polly have entered the spaceship and have started to snoop around...

Polly: (growing a little worried) Guido this all looks very...REAL!

Guido: (admiring some huge computer gadget) I told you so! And to think you couldn't even see it...

Polly: (nervous) I'm serious Guido! I don't like it in here…its creeping me out!

Guido: (trying to relax her) Polly calm down! You were probably right anyway. This is just a thing made up against Speedy...

Polly: Well it's a pretty big THING don't you think?!

(Guido and Polly enter some kind of control room and Polly finds something very disturbing on a near by bench...)

Polly: (pale with fear as she holds something in her shaky hand) Guido....look at this!

Guido: Hey what is that? (looks closer)

Polly: It's a WHAM CD Guido...just like the one in Speedy's house!

Guido: (shaking his head) That's nothing to be scared about. It just means that Speedy isn't 

the only one with 80's music taste! (thinks for a moment)...Actually that is scary…

Polly: (pointing to the back of the cover) But LOOK! It's the autograph that was written for him! This is Speedy's CD! (starting to panic) What is it doing here Guido?! Could this spaceship really be real…?!

Guido: If it _is _Speedy's CD how did it get from his house to here so quickly?

Polly: Guido think about it! Speedy's house is just down the road! He probably came here when he was being chased away!

Guido: Well give me one logical reason as to why he brought the CD with him?! 

Polly: Because he's a NUT!

Guido: Good answer…(panicking now too) Well…maybe the aliens took it?!

Polly: Why would aliens come all the way to earth to take a CD?! Face it Guido, Speedy's here to enslave the PLANET!

Guido: (trying remain calm) Okay! Okay… Lets just chill out and breeeeath... What would Mulder and Scully do?

Polly: Probably call the FBI but may I remind you we don't work for the FBI! We work for a PIZZA PLACE! What are we going to do?! Send a bunch of pepperoni pizzas down here to do a DNA TEST!!??

Guido: Don't get hysterical on me Polly! It won't solve anything. It's just a CD! It's not an invasion PLAN!

(As if out of no where, a screen display near by flickers on to reveal a world map with a heading entitled "Invasion Plan")

Guido: (refusing to be defeated) Okay I know this is looking bad! But Speedy can't be a real ALIEN!? Can he…? 

Polly: (breathless) This can't be HAPPENING! I'm in love with an ALIEN?! Not to mention a WHAM FAN!!

Guido: (raising an eyebrow) What did you just say...?

Polly: I...ah…(suddenly embarrassed) I mean....I'm _friends_ with an alien...who is also a Wham fan...hehe! (on that note, Polly grabs Guido's arm and charges out of the spaceship) We have to get back to the Palace and tell Fran. She's going to be really mad when she finds out she hired someone outside the suburb! It's against store policy...

Guido: (still on the previous topic) I could have sworn you didn't say you were _'friends'_ with 

an alien...you said…!

Polly: (hits him on the head before he could finish) Earth to no brain?! If we lose concentration now the whole world could be doomed in a matter of minutes! And I have a lunch date with Luciel tomorrow that I really don't want to miss…

Guido: (very sarcastic) Well by all means! Let's save the world so you can have coffee and CAKE!

N: As Part Two comes to a conclusion we begin to ask ourselves is there a meaning to this tale? Or is the plot thinning out like Jerry's hairline? And will Speedy ever get his life back to the way it was? Or is he doomed to be known as the amazing "gender changing" alien for the remainder of his super-hero career? Will he be able to convince Polly and Guido that he's not an alien? Does Polly really love a Wham fan?! Will Princess Vi really be on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT!? I hope not. Seeing her face on this show is bad enough...

Vi: (insulted) I HEARD THAT!

N: (running away) Gotta GO! I think I parked illegally...!

****

- TO BE CONTINUED! -


	4. Part Three

~*~

N: It's time for Part Three of 'The Conspiracy of why I didn't take that job offer to be a masseuse on Baywatch…'

Fran: 'AHEM!' Narrator? I believe you're getting side tracked again…

N: Well...you get my drift!

Fran: Uh huh. Try sticking to de-caff coffee in the mornings next time.

N: Since when did she get to be so smart? ANY HOO! Our first scene is situated back at the Palace where Francine has unexpectedly bumped into Al....

Al: (suprised to see her) Francine? What are you doing here?! Where are the others?!

Fran: I'm trying to find Princess Vi and Guido and Polly are trying to find Speedy…he's been missing for a few hours now. Last time he was missing this long we found him stuck in a revolving door.

Al: (very concerned) Speedy's missing? How did this happen?!

Fran: Some alien crazed protesting group chased him away.

Al: DAMN! The D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S!

Fran: The "doabzais"?

Al: (explains) Badbird and Jerry Attric formed a group against Speedy...but never mind that now! We have a serious problem in the making!

Fran: I know! I think all this humidity is making my hair fluff…

Al: What I _meant _Francine was that Badbird is setting up the alien decapitator to kill Speedy! 

Fran: Oh! Right…I suppose that could _also _be considered a serious problem.

Al: (continues what he was saying) And Vi is actually letting them do it too! If only we new where Speedy was…he must stay away from the Palace at all costs!

(As if on cue, Speedy himself runs down the hall towards Al and Fran. He's very out of breath and looking rather bruised…)

Fran: So much for that idea Al…

Speedy: (speaking very fast) Al, FRAN! I'm so happy to see you! A religous group, possibly working for the producers, have been chasing me all around town so I came straight to the Palace to talk to Vi AND-!

Al: (hushing him) We know Speedy, settle down! And you definitely don't want to see Princess Vi right now...

Speedy: Why not?

Al: Well…she-!

Fran: (cutting in) She's ordered you to be decapitated!

Al: Francine!

Fran: What? There's no time to sugar coat it Al! The show will be over soon…

Speedy: Decapitated…? (starting to panic) You mean, I'm going to loose my head?!

N: Well…

Speedy: YOU SHUT UP!

N: I didn't say anything!

Speedy: QUICK! You guys have gotta HIDE ME! Shove me in a safe and throw away THE KEY!

N: That's the best idea since I suggested we mail Luciel to the writers house!

Al: Actually Speedy, I have another way of helping you. The whole towns convinced you're the worst thing since canned Spam so theres no point in even trying to appeal to them anymore. Our best bet is to get through to Princess Vi some how...

Speedy: I'm going to be DECAPITATED! We may as well go to the funeral shop early and start discussing whether I want velvet or satin lining in my coffin…

Fran: (annoyed) Stop jerking around Speedy!

Speedy: BUT PRINCESS VI IS GOING TO KILL ME AND WANT A FANCY FUNERAL!

Al: (hushing them down) ALRIGHT! That's enough you two! Everything's going to be fine Speedy… We'll all be rehearsing for tomorrow's show before you know it.

Speedy: (sarcastic) Of course! THE NEXT SHOW! Where I'll probably be crushed by a giant robot or thrown into a big or hole something! That makes me feel _much_ BETTER! 

Al: LISTEN! There's a bathroom on the left down the hall where you can keep out of sight. I think you'll be safe there for now...(turns to Fran) Do you want to go with him Francine?

Fran: As tempting as that sounds, I was thinking I could talk to Princess Vi myself. I have some information with me that might help Speedy out... 

Al: Very well then, you can try if you think you're up to it. She's in her room modeling Wedding dresses from the Versache Warehouse...

Fran: (turning red) Versache?! VERSACHE?! GOD! She couldn't get a RENTAL!?

Al: (concerned) Are you sure you're up to this Francine?

Fran: Yes! Don't mind me.I mean I reeeeally want to see those wedding dresses of Princess Vi's...! (adds under her breath) …And cover them all with this mornings corn flakes!

(Change scene to Badbird and Jerry Attric)

BB: (talking on his mobile phone) "NOW!?...Here?…Are you sure?…But how?!…When?!…And I am not asking too many QUESTIONS!…Fine…We'll check..." (hangs up)

Jerry: (standing by a window with binoculars) What's happening?

BB: The D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S just rang to tell me that they didn't get a chance to capture Speedy but apparently he's here anyway! And I believe them...

Jerry: But how could that possibly be!? I've been standing watch for an hour now!

BB: I know. And with the binoculars back-to-front too…

Jerry: (turning the binoculars around) Oh so _that's_ why everything looked so far away!

(Badbird rolls his eyes just as a ninja crow storms into the scene…)

Ninja Crow: (panicky) BOSS! We just picked up something on the secret cameras! 

BB: You guys haven't been spying on Princess Vi in her changing room again have you...?

Ninja Crow: (with a smirk)...Well…ahh...YEAH! 

Jerry: (worried) You crows really shouldn't do that! We could all get sent to you know where! Not to mention that Princess Vi doesn't even know about the video monitor room we secretly built last summer...

BB: (amused) I know! We told her we were putting in central heating. When it's winter she's swears she can feel the difference!

Ninja Crow: (continues to talk to Badbird) But what we _really _found boss was Speedy! He's hiding in one of the Palace bathrooms right now!

BB: What is he doing in the bathroom?

Jerry: When you gotta go you gotta go…

N: Meanwhile… Inside Vi's room, a dressmaker works tiressly on her Hinas' dress…

Vi: TIGHTER!

Dressmaker: (pulling the chords on Vi's corset) But Princess Vi...!

Vi: I SAID TIGHTER! You're not leaving until I get the waistline of KATE MOSS!

Dressmaker: (with a look of concern) Okay then...(pulls the chords so tight that Vi's waist line is now the size of her wrist)...how's that?

Vi: (hardly able to breath)...Too…TIGHT!

(Somebody knocks at the door…)

Vi: Oh of all the…COME IN!

Fran: (peeping round the door) Ahhh...excuse me your Hinas but I have some information about 

Speedy Cerviche and I was hoping you would...

Vi: (cutting in) Are you a reporter for that bridal documentary?

Fran: No I'm Francine Manx from the Pizza Parlor...

Vi: THEN YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN MY ROOM! I have no care for Speedy

Cerviche or pizza RIGHT NOW! ONLY WEDDING ISSUES!!

Fran: But he's not really an alien your Hinas! Big Cheese made it up, don't you see? (under her breath) You big, white pavlova…

Vi: I DON'T CARE!....OUCH!! (looks down at the dressmaker accusinly) YOU PINNED ME!!

Dressmaker: (gulp!) Oops! I must have slipped…

Vi: Now I have a hole in my stockings! (glaring at the dressmaker) I'M SENDING YOU TO PRISONER ISLAND!!

Fran: (slowly walking away…) I think I'll drop in later when she's in a better mood...

N: So much for going home early then.

(Change scene to Speedy hiding in the bathroom, sitting like a tight ball in the empty spa…)

Speedy: (talking to himself) I hope they don't mind me stealing a few of these smelly bath soaps!

(Suddenly, somebody slams down the door of the bathroom…it's a pack of ninja crows! Speedy quickly conceals himself…)

Jerry: (looking around) He doesn't seem to be here! 

BB: Get out of the way Jerry and let me look, you never see anything!

(Badbird takes a minute to look around the bathroom)

BB: (says reluctantly: ) I guess he's not here…

Jerry: (sticking his tongue out at Badbird) Na na na na na! He's not here! I'm right, you're wrong, I'M-!

Crow: (who was smart enough to look in the spa) Found him! 

Jerry: WHAT!?

Speedy: I'm not Speedy...I'm a…I'm the new toilet rug!

Ninja Crow: (apologetic) Oh sorry about that. You didn't happen to see an alien running around here did you?

BB: (slaps the ninja crow) IDIOT! That talking toilet rug _is_ Speedy! CROWS! Take this 'thing' to the Council Chambers for decapitation!

Speedy: (pulling out his sword in defense) Oh NO YOU DON'T! I'm not going to any Council Chamber! I haven't done anything wrong and you know IT!

BB: Yes you have! You put cat hair all over the bath tub, that's a criminal OFFENSE!

Jerry: Badbird that's not what he means...

BB: Huh?

Jerry: The alien thing _stupid_...

BB: (understands) OH!

Speedy: That's right! If you think you have the right to spread fake conspiracies around the town and make a career as the next Chris Carter THINK AGAIN! 

BB: (amused) Well of course I have no right! I'm the bad guy! And you're going to be even shorter then you are now Cerviche when Princess Vi cuts your ugly head off with the 'ALIEN DECAPITATOR!' (ordering his crows) Get the alien out of Princess Vi's bathroom, NOW!!

Speedy: (being dragged off by a bunch of Ninja Crows) YOU CAN'T DO THIS! When my publicist finds out about this mess she'll have _your_ head BADBIRD! WHICH IS TEN TIMES AS UGLY AS MINE!!

(As Speedy is dragged out, Badbird whispers something to Jerry…)

BB: Make sure Speedy stays put. Then, call an emergency meeting in the Council Chambers and make sure you get Princess Vi in there! 

Jerry: Where will you be...? 

BB: You know Princess Vi can't see me! On account of the...you know…

Jerry: She's sickly in love with you? For some odd reason…

N: _Very _odd…!

BB: Exactly! So go in there and get the job done. I'll be watching the whole thing in the video 

Monitor room...(Badbird heads off out of the bathroom and towards the secret video monitor room)

Jerry: Badbird gets to watch TV and Cheesy gets to go plant stealing? Do I ever get a BREAK?!

(Change scene to the Council Chambers where a meeting has now been called, as requested by Jerry Attric.)

Council Member #1: Do you know what this emergency meeting is all about??

Council Member #2: (yawn) I don't know. But I hope it's not like the last one they called when Princess Vi sprayed deodorant in her hair instead of hairspray…

Vi: We have been called here tonight for an emergency meeting due to the 'alien' development...(suddenly grows cranky)…and it better be worth my time because I was just about to apply my avacado night MASK!

N: As if her face couldn't get any scarier…

Jerry: (casually) Oh I wouldn't worry about that your hinas, Big Cheese already stole the avocado and Badbird spread some of it on his club sandwich...

Vi: (outraged) They did WHAT?!

Jerry: Ah...(changes the subject quickly)…what I meant to say was bring in the alien!

(Some ninja crows bring a struggling Speedy into the Council Chambers and tie him firmly to a chair…)

Speedy: (very angry) This is animal abuse!

Vi: SILENCE! You keep your mouth shut alien! Its ME that will do the talkingaround here…

Speedy: But Princess Vi I'm not a -!

Vi: (practically screaming) SILENCE!!

Fred: FAR-AD!

Vi: (looking around the room) Hey where's Seymour? I thought he was in charge?!

Jerry: Sorry your Hinas but Big Cheese is...(embarrassed, trys to think up a better excuse then "he's searching for a new house plant"…)...discussing our case with some federal officials over Chinese food.

Vi: (very displeased) THAT RUDE LITTLE WORM! Who does he think he is showing up to another meeting with FOOD! How come we don't get FOOD?!

Fred: FAR-AD!

Vi: YOU TELL'EM DADDY!! (points at one of the Ninja Crows) BRING IN THE ALIEN DECAPITATOR!!

Speedy: This doesn't sound good...

(An oversized gun is wheeled in and pointed at Speedy's head…)

Speedy: Yep...this is not GOOD!

Jerry: (chuckling) I hope Badbird's getting a load of this! It will put him in a good mood for at least a week!

(Change scene to Badbird up in the video monitor room with a bag of butter-free popcorn…)

BB: (absolutely thrilled) AHAHAHAA! It's finally PAY DAY! And I this popcorn I found behind the radiator is only slightly stale!

(Back to the previous scene…)

Vi: (her finger on the alien decapitator, ready to flick the switch) Listen up ALIEN! Unless someone in this room can speak for you, I'm about to-!

N: (cutting in…) And THEN! Bounding in from the halls beyond the PALACE…!

Al: STOP!

Vi: Who interrupted ME?!

Al: It was me, Al! 

Speedy: (cheerful) YAY!

N: Hi Al!

Al: (standing in front of Speedy) Speedy Cerviche is not an alien. He is a respected member of the elite super hero community! 

N: All the more reason to kill him I say…

Speedy: (relieved) Thanks Al! What took you so long?! 

Al: I had to buy a postage stamp, sorry… (continues to address Princess Vi) Please your Hinas! Don't do this! If you do, you will kill an innocent civilian of earth!

Vi: Yeah whatever, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! (puts her finger back on the switch)

Speedy: Did you really have to buy a postage stamp Al?!

Al: I said I was sorry!

Vi: Since Al has no proof with him and because I really want to burn something...

Speedy: Why don't you make toast your Hinas?! (Adds under his breath)…If you can figure out how to get the toaster to work...

Vi: SILENCE! Now, unless no one else can speak for you alien, I'm going TO-!

N: (cutting in again) And THEN! Bounding in from halls beyond PALACE…!

Guido: Hold on a second!

Polly: (runs in after him) Don't do a thing without us!

Vi: NOT AGAIN! (very, very angry now…) Would the director PLEASE STOP QUEUING PEOPLE IN BETWEEN MY BIG SCENE!

Speedy: (over-joyed) IT'S POLLY AND GUIDO! Oh I've never been so happy to see two people in my entire life! My true FRIENDS! They'll tell everyone who I really am…!

Guido: Speedy Cerviche is an alien!

Polly: And I LIER! We've got all the dirt!

Speedy: YOU TRAITORS! (turns to Al) I never liked them anyway...

Al: (talking to Guido and Polly) What the hell do you two think you're doing?! Trying to convince 

Princess Vi into MURDER!?

Guido: (continues to accuse Speedy) He parked his spaceship in a BUS ZONE!

Jerry: Spaceship?

Vi: You mean there's a whole spaceship?!

(Meanwhile, up in the video monitor room…)

BB: (even more confused) What is he talking about?! Spaceship?!

(Back to the Council Chambers…)

Speedy: (in an odd tone) What spaceship? You don't mean my Volvo do you…?

N: Well that piece of machinery does look like it came from another planet...

Guido: And he's planning an invasion to take over the world and imprison our entire population in coal mines where we won't be allowed to DATE!

Polly: And he LIED TO ME!

Speedy: (getting Guido and Polly's attention) What are you guys talking about!? I leave you two alone for a few hours and you're hallucinating about SPACESHIPS!? And you wonder why _you're _the sidekicks of this show! Sheesh!

Polly: Shut it WIDGET! (walks right up close to Speedy and looks him in the eye) You led me on you little sneak! Made me think you were an earth BOY!

Speedy: But Polly, I'm very earthy! I even use Herbal Essences shampoo!

Polly: STOP LYING! You've lied ENOUGH! And to think I even considered…I even felt…(turns away) Never mind...I JUST HATE YOU! (kicks him in the shin)

Speedy: (hopping up and down in his chair) OOOOOWWWWWW!!!

Vi: (feeling left out) SILENCE! (standing on her chair to look more noticeable) I'M THE MOST 

IMPORTANT PERSON HERE! I ALREADY KNOW HE'S AN ALIEN! (looking at Polly and Guido) I DON'T NEED YOU TWO COMING IN HERE AND STEALING MY LUMBAR!!

Council Member #1: (correcting her) Umm...that's "thunder" your Hinas...

(The whole room roars with laughter)

Vi: I'M SENDING YOU TO PRISONER ISLAND!!

Council Member #1: (being carried away) Looks like it's back to unemployment for me... 

Vi: And NOW…(finger back on the switch of the decapitator)…once again, and for the final time before I kill _everyone_ in this room, I'M GOING TO-!

N: And THEN! Bounding in from the halls beyond the PALACE…!

Fran: (anxiously runs in) WAIT!! 

Vi: Oh NOOO...(very fed up)...NOT THIS TIME!

Fran: Your Hinas PLEASE! Before you make a really big mistake, I think you should look at this… 

(holds up a red folder) 

Jerry: (looking at the folder) Hmmmm…why does that ring a bell?

Fran: This is a copy of the printed material Big Cheese and his clan of crows used to frame SPEEDY! (goes up and hands it to Priness Vi)

Jerry: (feeling faint) Oh crap...

(The room falls silent as Vi reads the pages inside…)

Vi: (shocked) She's right! They framed him! Speedy's not an alien after all...!

(Al unties Speedy from his chair…he's free!)

Speedy: Those are the six best words I've ever heard in my entire LIFE! (imitating Vi) "Speedy's not an alien after all"! (screaming in Jerry's face sarcastically) Did you HEAR THAT BIRDIE?! "Speedy's not an alien AFTER ALL!" DID YOU-!

Vi: (annoyed again) SILENCE!

Speedy: I've had my moment...

Vi: And as the honorary Princess of Little Tokyo I command that all accusations against Speedy 

Cerviche are to desist immediately!

Fran: (clapping with joy) It's about time!

Speedy: (also joyful) I KNOW!

Fran: Now you can get back to WORK! (expects him to be excited)

Speedy: (pretending to grin) Yes…goody…

Council member #2: (asking Princess Vi a question) What should we do with the D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S your Hinas?

Vi: Well they are cameos...

N: She's right. We'll just put them back on the street corner outside the studio where we found them…

Vi: (suddenly discovers something else in the folder) What are these blue prints for a video monitor room doing in here...? (observes them closer…) They look like there designed to suit _my_ Palace!

Jerry: (with his hand to his ear) I believe I just heard Cheesy arrive at the front door! YES! He might need some help turning the knob…! (runs off quickly followed by the Ninja Crows)

Fran: (speaking to Vi) Maybe you should look through that air vent on the top floor your Hinas...the one where they installed the 'central heating.'

Vi: (already on her way out the door…) I think I will do that! I've always thought I could hear something going on up there...(leaves the room with Fred and the Council members running after her)

Speedy: (gives Fran a hug) Thanks Fran! I don't know how I can repay you! (thinking for minute…then…) WAIT! I know! I promise I'll a wash my hands before I make the Pizza meals from now on!

Fran: (hugging Speedy back) Okay Speedy…(suddenly realises what he just said) Hey…what do you mean from _now_ on…!?

Speedy: (ignores that question…) And to think Fran! I thought you were just pretending to help me as a way of destroying Buckey and Princess Vi's wedding plans!

Fran: (in a sympathetic voice) Oh Speedy! Gosh! How could you even imagine something like that...?

N: Well actually Francine proved she is a woman of many hidden talents…

(Change scene to the video monitor room where Princess Vi has broken in.)

Vi: Hey...(looking around)...where's all the padding in the walls?! I thought this was CENTRAL HEATING!? It's looks like a TV STATION! In my ROOF!?

BB: (very alarmed) Princess VI?! What are you doing HERE?! (trying to hide his face…)

Vi: (with love hearts suddenly swimming around her head) IT'S YOU! The guy from the baseball game! MY FANTASY!

BB: OH GOD! (feeling ill) Now remember your Hinas...you are about to be married!

Vi: What you mean to Bambie!? Get real! Now that I found you again, it's looks like I'll be having a change of PLANS! (starts to chase a screaming Badbird around the room…)

BB: SOMEBODY HELP ME! SHE'S MAD!

Vi: Oh you say the sweetest things…!

(Back in the Council Chambers, Speedy has gone over to Al and given him a hug too)

Speedy: Thankyou Al! For always believing in me!

Al: (embarrassed) Ah geez...You don't have to hug me Speedy…

Speedy: YES I DO!

Al: No, you don't...

Speedy: YES I DO!

Al: NO…(pushes him away)…you don't!

(Speedy now walks over to Polly and Guido who have been standing quietly in the corner…)

Speedy: (with a change of tone) And as for you two…! What have you got to say for yourselves?

Guido and Polly: (speaking over the top of one another) Guido talked me into it!…Polly was the one who said the spaceship was real!…Well he _found_ the spaceship!…She's so stupid she thought it was one of those new government trains!…Guido I never said that! Besides you were the one who thought the whole WHAM thing was creepy!…You found that CD Polly! I said the spaceship was from Star Wars!…That was me!…No it wasn't! It was me!…YUK! Don't breath on me! You have garlic breath!…WHAT?!

N: I think this is evidence that Guido and Polly have spent waaay to much time together, and as co-stars they should reduce this. Or we could just put them on Jerry Springer and make a whole lot of dough!...Did I mention Big Cheese just arrived back from his plant hunt?

BC: (beaming) OH JERRY! I found the cutest little posy in some senile woman's back yard! I called it FRENCHIE! 

Jerry: (acting overly impressed) Terrific BOSS! Way to GO!

BC: So! Has Princess Vi killed the alien yet?! I brought some energy drink to celebrate!

N: I think you can guess what happens next. Big Cheese had his usual blow up causing "Frenchie" to be his fifth house plant to perish. So! I suppose that wraps things up… 

Speedy: But there's still two minutes left.

N: Well get on with IT!

Speedy: Man, what a grouch! We outta put him on Jerry Springer.

Polly: (approaching Speedy) Sorry about the whole alien thing Speedy…I guess we got a bit carried away.

Speedy: That's okay Polly. Don't worry about it. I just want to forget that today ever happened...AND have a word with the producers about certain things.

Polly: (hugs him tightly) No more conspiracies from now on, okay?

Speedy: (hugs her back) Don't worry, I'll make sure of that!

Guido: About that spacecraft Cheese built…(looking at Polly)…you gotta admit, that was pretty cool! I mean, for his usual standard.

Fran: Big Cheese never built a spaceship silly!

Guido: What do you mean?

Al: (agrees) I believe she's right.

Fran: I looked through his personal files and there was nothing about a spaceship! As if _he _could afford it anyway. You know he couldn't!

Guido: (looking at Polly) But…?

Polly: (looking at Guido) Then…? 

Speedy: Are you guys sure you just didn't see my Volvo?

N: FINALLY! We end today's show with a mystery never to be solved. Was the spaceship really Speedy's joke of a vehicle? Or was it something else…I couldn't care less so I'm going home. BYE!

(Outside the Palace a giant UFO is hovering in the sky...)

Little Green Alien #1: Screw invading this planet! The brain power of this town in unsatisfactory. If all earthings are like this, we will have no use for them. They can not match our genius!

Little Green Alien #2: At least we got a WHAM CD.

Little Green Alien #1: Yes! All hail WHAM!

(The spaceship zooms of into out of space…)

****

-THE END-

~*~

Sorry about the delay! I'll have new story up soon. Thanx!


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